Satire: Town Council to end rent profiteering (February 26, 2016)

The Apple Valley Town Council last night voted unanimously to use eminent domain to condemn all rental properties within town limits. The move will allow the Town to assume control of one-third of all structures within the town limits, and become the sole source of rental properties for both residence and business uses.

The move comes after one resident complained that prices for rentals were still too high, despite nearly a decade of efforts on the part of the Town Council to depress the local real estate market.

We’ve done our best to make Apple Valley renter friendly, said Mayor Barb Stanton, but some landlords haven’t gotten the message. In some cases, it seemed like the larger the home or apartment, the higher the rent was! Their greed forced us to take this action.

Town Manager Frank Robinson explained the problem. These so-called landlords were buying existing buildings, or building new ones, often paying as little as a few hundred thousand dollars per property. Once they took possession, they put profits over people. By eliminating the profits, the Town will be able to distribute rental properties equitably, charging each according to his ability pay, and allotting housing or facilities to each according to his needs. This is the American way.

Critics have charged that the Town will actually have to raise rents to pay off the bond that will be required to compensate current property owners for the seized assets, but Assistant Town Manager Marc Puckett disagreed. Liars! They’re all filthy liars! Without profits, there will be plenty of money to pay the bond, lower existing rents, and include free utilities and valet parking for most residents, and that’s not even counting the fact that we won’t have to pay property taxes because we’re a government entity. Deferring maintenance will then give us plenty of time to obtain further bonds for expansion and infrastructure needs down the road. Sure, we’ll have to get a pretty hefty bond initially, but as we at Town Hall like to say, if you’re not in debt, you’re not growing.

We attempted to reach some of the affected landlords for their reactions, but apparently every one of them had already been run out of town like common pygmies.